"I've decided to become a lesbian." Haley Roberts hooked her glue-sticky
thumbs into the belt-loops of her worn blue jeans and took a step back from her
kitchen wall. There she could get a good look at the seam of her new wallpaper.
"Excuse me?" Her older sister Laura looked up from the sink where
she was scrubbing dried glue off her hands.
"A lesbian," Haley repeated, tilting her head sideways and considering
the match up of a clover leaf and stem. She'd given this a lot of thought. Getting
men out of her life completely would solve so many problems.
"That's ridiculous." Laura shut off the water and shook the excess
droplets from her hands. A cool, summer night breeze gusted in through the kitchen
window, dissipating the smell of glue.
The seam was almost invisible, Haley decided. She rubbed her palms together
and the rubbery adhesive balled up into little gray cylinders.
"It's not ridiculous," she said, rattling her way into the hardware
store bag for the next roll. She was through with men. She'd just moved into a
brand new house in a brand new town. It was time for a fresh start.
"Being a lesbian is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice these days,"
she asserted.
"Sure it is," Laura agreed. "For actual lesbians."
"What is a lesbian?" Haley brandished the vinyl roll in her sister's
direction for emphasis. "If not a woman thoroughly sick and tired of relationships
with men?"
She reached up and ripped the cellophane off with a flourish. She'd chosen
a beautiful wildflower pattern. Very cheerful, very feminine.
"Anyone would be tired of men after Tony and Raymond," said Laura,
referring to Haley's last two loser boyfriends. "You simply need to develop
better taste."
"I have great taste," said Haley. "I matched you up with Kyle,
remember?" She set aside the wallpaper roll and picked up her measuring tape
from the scatter of tools on the kitchen table. "And you are but one of my
success stories."
Haley's lifelong obsession with romantic relationships had been a boon for
her friends and family. It was only her own romantic life that went south like
clockwork. But, a romantic life couldn't go south if it didn't exist.
"True enough," Laura admitted, nodding her honey blonde head.
"But when it comes to me." Haley set her jaw with determination and
resolve. "I'm a jinx. And it's mentally unhealthy to keep looking for something
that doesn't exist." There was no man in her life now, and she'd decided
there never would be.
No more looking for Mr. Right.
No more matchmaking.
No more obsession.
"He exists, Haley." Laura's voice softened. "You just haven't
found him yet."
"Oh, I've found plenty of hims," Haley corrected. After all, man-hunting
was practically a fulltime hobby for well-bred Nelson girls. "And they all
start out nice enough, but after awhile their true nature shines through."
Tony was involved in a cleaning product pyramid scheme--he wanted Haley to
become a "distributor" and attend inspirational conferences with him
in Florida. And, Raymond--well, Raymond had a relationship with his domineering
mother that still sent chills up Haley's spine. The really scary part was that
she'd tried so desperately to make each of the relationships work.
"So, you're telling me you're going to have relationships with women instead?"
Laura folded her arms, leaned back against the countertop and arched a shapely
eyebrow. Even in the midst of wallpapering, her make-up and short hairstyle looked
perfect.
"Why not? Women are nice. I like women. I hug them all the time."
Laura's mouth tightened in the beginnings of a grin. "And you're going
to start kissing them now?"
"Sure." Haley shrugged.
"On the mouth?"
Haley repressed a small shudder as she stepped up to the wall. "Okay,
so there are a couple of flaws in my plan."
Laura made a condescending sound behind her.
"I don't have to be in a relationship," said Haley.
After noting the measurement for the final wallpaper panel, she reeled in the
metal tape with a snap then turned and picked up her pencil from the countertop.
Crouching down, she sent the paper unrolling across the linoleum floor. "There
are plenty of lesbians who aren't actually in relationships."
"So...what...you'll be a non-practicing lesbian?" Lauren stepped
forward to anchor the wallpaper roll while Haley measured.
"Right."
"Can't wait to tell Mom."
|
